Letters to my Mom

You may have noticed a change in the title. A few months ago my dad and I were talking and he said something that really stuck with me. "Mom would not even recognize our family anymore."

A little back story - my wonderful mother put an elegant 8 year battle with ovarian cancer to rest on September 18th, 2020. I have been trying to find the words to tell her full story of how that chapter closed however, I have found the wound is too fresh at this time. I fully intend on sharing that story soon.

I decided to change gears a little with this resource. I am using this as an emotional outlet and to put my story out there, not for anyone else other than myself.

I intended on writing this post a few months ago. My dad and I were reminiscing on my amazing mother and telling stories. My dad paused and said "Mom would not even recognize our family anymore." I thought long and hard about what my dad had said. In just a few short months from September, we had all changed so much. My mom would not have recognized us, as the people she knew had changed and evolved so far from what they used to be.

My dad had gotten a new car, a very nice Jeep. He had also cut his "quarantine hair" and looked like a different person.

My sister had, not one, but two new jobs. She also had a new boyfriend.

My brother had gotten a new job, quit that one, and then another job. He also has grown about an inch a month.

I had graduated from nursing school and started work in the Emergency Department. Mason and I had put offers on houses, trying to get a place of our own, and we got a new puppy.

My mom did not get to be here in person to witness any of this, and yet I have no question that she was watching and very proud of us all.

I don't think this was the only thing my dad had meant by what he told me. Sadness, and I mean the deep kind of sadness that gnaws away at your soul over time, changes a person. Emotionally, spiritually, we are all new people. Going through something so hard changes you.

But oh how amazing it is to feel emotions; to feel emotions is to be alive. One of the things I was most sad about was that my mom never got to see me become a Registered Nurse, something I had chosen to do after meeting so many great Nurses that helped my mom in various stages of her journey. But I know she is not far away and I have felt her several times. Any time I get a cancer patient, especially ovarian cancer, I can feel her within them. I get a sense of peace among the chaos of the ER.

There are so many things my mom would not recognize about any of us, and yet it proves you can continue on after something hard. Sadness does change you, but you can let it change you for the best. Going through my mom's jewelry after she moved on from this world, I found a necklace saying "I can". So very typical of my mom's attitude. Nothing got my mom down, and no challenge was too big for her to tackle with a smile. I can. I can and I will. For my mom.

So here is a compilation of letters to my mom, things I want her to know, things I've done and learned. You're more than welcome to follow along.

I love you, mom!